Mommy's 10k

Warning: this is another one of those posts where I'll be diverging from my endless talks about my amazing children in order to talk to my amazing children. 

Growing up I hated running. Plain and simple.  Give me a sport, any sport and I would do whatever I needed to in order to keep up with the people around me.  Ask me to straight run or for that matter straight swim or do anything long and repetitive and boring and I quit in a hurry.  I would get bored and think about how hard it was, how I just didn't want to keep going, how my lungs were achy, or my muscle was pulling a little strange.  I would use those as an excuse to stop.  Guaranteed.  Every single time.  There was nothing that was worth the effort.  I did swimming.  I was a great swimmer.  I wasn't dedicated.  Pushing my body to swim laps wasn't appealing and so I wouldn't do it.  So when my coach thought I could make it to state I quit instead.  I didn't want to be pushed, I didn't want to do hard things.  

As I've grown up I've realized something else about those times.  I didn't think I COULD do hard things.  Academics came easily to me.  Sports came easy to me.  When they got hard, when I really had to dedicate myself; that's when I would give up.  I always came up with some excuse at the time to justify the fact that I was afraid to fail.  I was afraid to do anything that I might not be good at.  The idea of putting time, effort and dedication into doing something, and then NOT being the best at it was terrifying.  I love to sing.  Ask me to sing in front of people and I break.  I can't do it.  My voice shakes because my body is trembling so hard that it changes the my voice.  Well, I shouldn't say I can't because I haven't tried to sing in front of people since I was a teenager.  That's right.  Half of my life I have been unable, or unwilling to sing in front of people.  I was scared of what other people would decide about my abilities.  Same thing when I was scared of what the coach would put me through to keep swimming.  Or when I was scared of being cut so I quit dancing.  Another time I was worried about a mean coach so I quit volleyball, and the list goes on.  

I don't want that for you.  I don't want you to be scared of what happens when you try.  I don't want you to let your fear of other people opinions keep you from doing things. I want you to try and I want you to prove to yourself that you can be successful.  Even if you fail, a lot, along the way.  Even if your definition of success isn't the same as someone else's.  I want you to try.  There is no satisfaction in doing something easy.  

Taking all that into consideration.  Being able to say that I ran a 10k is incredibly satisfying and meaningful to me.  I decided I wanted to see what I could do and I did it.  I was not the fastest, not by a long shot.  In fact I was 45th out of 53 people that ran it.  But I did it.  I chose to run a 10k instead of a 5k.  I chose to keep jogging the entire way, not stopping once to walk and I am excited.  I'm excited because I did something I thought I couldn't do.  I could barely run a mile before I would quit; and that was when I was my most active.  Now I'm not nearly as active and I ran 6.2 miles.  It doesn't matter how you compare to other people.  Other people's accomplishments are irrelevant. Do things that make you happy to be you!  You'll find that the majority of the time those things are not going to be easy and that you'll need courage to do it.

For My Little Ones

This is going to be an unusual post.  It seems we are surrounded by friends challenged with health issues, all with children the same ages as mine.  One has breast cancer that has spread everywhere, one potentially starting the process by going in to have a mass biopsied just after fighting off a series of severe infections, and another with an untreatable brain tumor.  When you stop and think about it you develop a very acute sense of your own mortality.  Despite my good health I was up most of the night obsessing about the reality that I could be taken from my family unexpectedly at any moment.  I don't believe that will happen soon but none the less I have a few things I need to share with my children. 

To my babies,

The purpose of this blog is widely varied from the simpler motives like showing you all off and keeping the grandparents and great-grandparents updated and flooded with pictures and stories.  To the more emotionally driven such as giving you pure, undiluted memories to be able to go back to and not just remember through pictures but through words as well.  Occasionally it crosses my mind that it also serves another purpose.  I want a voice should something ever happen to me, I want you to be able to know that the three of you are my world, that I love you and have so much pride in everything you do.  I hope that every post I have written is saturated with my feelings for the three of you, that every word screams of how much a love and treasure you.  Of course, even if I am around, I want you to be able to read it and feel the same. 

Each of you are exactly the person I would want in my family.  There is not another soul in the entire universe you could be traded with that would bring me more joy, that I could possibly love more, than each of you.  Remember that, even if I'm furious or sad.  You each teach me so much and bring me thousands of smiles each day.  Granted there are days you make me so angry I can hardly stand it but those are few and far between.  Taking all the little things you bring to me into account there is one outstanding trait that each of you has brought out and developed in me.  I want to share those with you.  Keep in mind that as I write this Kayda, you are 7, Dillon you are 6 and Carson only 2.  I am sure that you will continue to help me grow, even as you grow, in ever changing ways. 

Kayda:  You, my darling girl, are the most spiritually aware person I have ever met.  You have helped me develop my FAITH.  You are the reason that we started going to church again, and made it to the temple to be sealed as a family.  You wanted to go to church when we literally never went, always having a desire for something more.  Your understanding of Heavenly Father astounds me.  I am sure that other children are spiritual too since your innocence promotes faith but I can almost see you get physically, emotionally and spiritually filled every time we go to church, as if your gas tank was running low.  Of course, you are not only a spiritually being.  You are very stubborn (sometimes infuriatingly so), very independent, responsible, and structured.  You are very eager to help anyone that needs it and can concentrate on even the smallest of tasks for amazing amounts of time.  You learn extremely quickly and never seem to forget anything.  You seem to prefer the company of adults, wanting to spend recess with the recess teachers, or wanting to be with me or your dad instead of other kids.  I see a lot of myself in you, I have seen the worry that comes with being that independent, have felt the acute rejection that you have occasionally felt and I want to shelter you from all of it.  You are perfect.  You are you and don't you ever, ever, forget that you are exactly who you should be.  You don't need to change a thing for anyone else.  EVER. 

Dillon:  My sweet, sweet, boy.  You are such a natural optimist, making friends with about 95% of the people you meet.  When they don't want to play it seems to roll off you like water.  You are always laughing, have an amazing imagination and can play alone for hours or with other children.  You are a little almanac of information.  You love to watch shows about animals, planets, volcanoes etc. and then you will randomly, sometimes months later spout out some of the facts you learned about them.  Your easy laughter, quick smiles, openness to loving people, and constant good spirits have brought me HOPE.  You are eager to make other people happy, don't forget to make you happy too.  You are also very sensitive, you wear your heart on your sleeve and when you are chastised you are crushed.  It breaks my heart when I get mad at you to watch your face fall.  I always end up chasing you up to your room (where you go to hide), holding you and talking to you about what you did wrong and how I still love you no matter what until I can get you to smile again.  I worry that your love of people, eagerness to please and desire to be surrounded by people all the time may get you into bad places.  Always be true to yourself, if it doesn't feel right in your heart then don't do it, no matter what anyone else may say to convince you otherwise.  It won't feel any better later.  You seem to have a pretty well defined version of what is right and wrong, don't let other people confuse it for you.  You are the only person that has to live with yourself. 

Carson:  My little stinker!  Perhaps because you are the first child I got to stay home with, or because of the turbulence of my life when you were tiny, my relationship with you is totally different than anything I experience with Kayda or Dillon. Perhaps because I was working, or because they are naturally more independent they could be happy with anyone, anywhere.  You only ever want me.  When you're hurt no one else can calm you, only me.  When you want to sit and watch TV I'm the only one you want to snuggle with.  You don't like it when I go anywhere without you.  You come back to check that I'm still there when you are playing with friends.  When you wake up in the middle of the night, knowing I'm next to you is the only way you'll go back to sleep.  My name is the first word out of your mouth every morning no matter your mood.  You have shown me an immeasurable amount of LOVE and help me to love myself.  You are still so little that I can't write a lot about the person you will become but I can share the tidbits I see.  You are an entertainer, you love to make people laugh.  You have a lot of the same stubbornness your sister does but seem to share a lot of your brother's optimism.  You are the first of my kids to really talk at a young age.  You know exactly what you want and have no fear of letting everyone know.  I'm sure you are just as brilliant as your brother and sister as I have seen evidence of it in many things you do.  I can see your entertaining tendencies getting you in trouble later, remember there is a time for fun and a time to be serious.  I can't give you a lot of advice about your life because you're still so tiny so I'll just remind you as I did your brother and sister to be yourself, always, never try to be anyone else. 

Since I'm going through and writing this elaborate thing as if I'll be leaving you soon, which I have no intention of doing, I may as well share my testimony with you.  My testimony was a hard fought thing to come by.  I am what I call a natural skeptic.  The idea of God seems too far away at times to accept.  But through time and experience I have learned that He has a hand in everything in our lives.  There is no such thing as coincidences.  Everything happens exactly the way it has to, He is always looking out for you, even when you've turned your back on him, even if it looks like He has forgotten you it will work out somehow.  He loves you, no matter if other people approve of your choices, no matter if He approves of your choice, no matter if you choose to follow a path that He wants you to take.  It was a difficult place for me to get to but I know that He doesn't want a bunch of clones.   He wants each of us to be ourselves, to have our own personalities, individual thoughts, interests, opinions and goals.  If He wanted clones or thoughtless drones He would have chosen Satan's plan.  I know that Jesus experienced not only pain for our sins but the pain of our bodies and hearts, even pain caused to us by other people.  Jesus can truly understand everything you have or will ever go through, you are never alone.  I know that the Lord answers prayers in many different ways, you can find these answers by reading the scriptures or Ensigns, or even the Friend.  I know that prayers can be answered through other people, through quick memories that you had thought lost and through coincidences.  He is listening, He is there and He is doing everything He can to take care of you, let Him.  I know that paying tithing is a hard thing to do but you will be amazed at what happens when you do.  I know that if a thought keeps nagging you and you can't seem to let it go you need to take action on it, no matter your reservations about doing so.  Heavenly Father would not abandon us to rely on old books, tenuously applied to the challenges of modern life.  He has prophets that He calls to guide us, to give us extra information and help us make sense of old rules being applied to an entirely different way of life.  I know that thought prophets are called of God they are also just men, don't judge God for their choices.  Humans are smart, but we are not God-smart.  We have that potential, don't make the mistake of thinking you know better, I promise you don't.  I've learned that it leads to a happier life to believe there is someone greater, that true happiness can not happen if you are not humble and thankful for the many things the Lord has given us.  There is great power in being something "small".  Pray always literally means pray always.  No, don't get down on your knees.  Talk to Him, even the tiniest of thoughts.  Share yourself with Him, talk things out with him, things will make a lot more sense a lot more quickly than if you try to do it on your own.  I know that when we die we have the opportunity to be together for eternity.  I also know that the kingdom you end up in is inconsequential.  We are taught to strive for the celestial kingdom.  That's where the most perks are.  I also know that in the scriptures it specifically says that you will be placed where you will be happy.  Some people may be happier, more comfortable in one of the lower kingdoms and that's okay.  Heavenly Father is not out to get you.  You will be judged, yes, but you will be judged out of love, to determine where you will be most happy to spend you eternity.  Remember always that He is first and foremost our father.  Don't forget that.  You are loved always by Him and by Christ.  He wants you to be you. 

I am sure there are important things that I have forgotten.  Chances are this letter was completely unnecessary but I hope that someday in the future when you look back at it you can know what you all are to me.  There are so many people that love you, let them. 

I love you with all my heart, there was a time when you three were the only reason I got out of bed. 

Mommy