Kayda's Baptism!

Saturday, December 6th was Kayda's baptism.  She was so excited!  She was up and in her dress well before the rest of us woke up for the day.  She wrote this in her journal about the day (I changed spelling but the rest is all her):

"At my baptism I felt so excited to get baptized that I ran to get on my whites the smallest ones was not my type of baptism clothes but the other one was the one for me and then we went to the chapel and I saw... my family and my babysitter and her dad.  I saw Uncle Scott's family, Uncle Pat's family, Uncle Justin and Aunt Ayana, Grandma and Papa G, some of my friends, and Grandma Peggy and Papa Mike, and a great Aunt and a great Uncle and Baba.  But all the kids came up front and the grown ups had to stay in the back.  But my Papa G and Uncle Pat stood up front to make sure Dad says it right.  Then I got off my whites and I got in my dress and then a few people talked then I got the Holy Ghost and then I got a lot of pictures with everybody.  Then I ad a great big party and have the best time and I want to see more people get baptisms.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

We started out with a few people coming by the house because we were leaving a little later than they expected.  Kayda got her scriptures from Grandma and Papa G and got some beautiful jewelry from Uncle Justin and Aunt Ayana, Aunt Kirsten and her family and later from Grandma and Papa H (along with a wonderful canvas church bag).  

  

When we got to the church the doors were locked!  Fortunately the Stake President arrived about the same time and let us in.  Kayda was beaming.  She has a permanent, HUGE, smile on her face.  She raced down the hall to go get her baptism jumper on!  It seemed that as more people she knows and loves showed up she got more and more excited!

In the chapel she got to hear about what baptism means and how it pleases Heavenly Father that she made the choice to be baptized.  She got to talk a little bit about why she wanted to be baptized and Mommy got to brag for a little while.  There was another little boy being baptized that way as well but it seemed like even the other speakers were wrapped up in her glow and spent a lot of time seeming to talk directly to HER.  She got to be the first one baptized.  Daddy did great (he was really nervous) and it went really smoothly.  I desperately wish we were allowed to take pictures.  The moment she came up out of the water she took my breath away.  Her entire body was practically vibrating with joy!  I want to remember the look on her face forever.  We headed back to the chapel and she was given the gift of the Holy Ghost.  Seeing her surrounded by worthy, men who love her and support her was a sight to behold.  She was able to have many people she loves participate in giving that gift.  She was welcomed by the primary, and the bishop spoke.  She was so enthralled with it all!  It was such a blessing to have so many people she loves come to support her on such a special day.  In case you missed it before:  Our family, Both sets of Grandparents, Baba, Great Aunt Charlotte, Great Uncle Perrin, Uncle Justin, Aunt Ayana, Uncle Pat and family, Uncle Scott  and family, Auntie Kina, our friends Trevor and Laurel and their boys, her Sunday School teacher (who is also their babysitters's Dad), Emmalee (one of her babysitters).  It all worked together to make it such a special day for her!

This is for her, I want her to have it always:

Kayda,

You are such an amazing girl!  I am so grateful that Heavenly Father chose to send  you to your Dad and I.  Watching you grow up is awe inspiring.  Your spirit is so bright and your faith is amazing.  You have been an example to our family and help us to remember what is most important.  I am so glad that you chose to be baptized.  It is a very personal choice and I would have supported you either way but I know that you made the right choice.  Heavenly Father is so proud of  you and I know that this was the right choice for YOU as a person as well.  Church has always been very important to you and your faith is incredible.  There seems to be not a sliver of doubt.  You love Heavenly Father and Jesus with your whole being and can easily recognize their hands in the world around you.

As you continue to grow I want you to know that Heavenly Father loves you.  Many people will tell you that he has more important things to do than to look after you at every moment.  I cannot express to you how much I disagree with that statement.  Heavenly Father is much more than we are.  He has the ability to read your heart, to know your needs and desires in ways you yourself are incapable of doing.  When that time comes that you are questioning your path in life, questioning your faith and your ability to make it through know that Heavenly Father is there.  He sent Jesus to the Earth not just to give us the ability to repent but also to make it so we never have to endure alone.  Jesus experienced every type of pain imaginable, not just physical pain but emotional pain as well.  He is the only person that can truly understand everything you experience in your life.  Don't be afraid to lean on him.  Share your joy with them, share your hurts, your confusion, your pain, your hopes and your fears.   Heavenly Father and Jesus both love you more than anyone else is capable.  There is nothing that you can do to revoke that love.  There is nothing you can't come back from.  There is no trial so great that they cannot support you through it.  I can tell you through experience that Heavenly Father has a direct effect on your life.  He is weaving a network of people all around you that can help you and teach you and learn from you.  No one will ever come into your life by accident.  Some bad things will happen, many good things will happen, learn from them both.  As they say Heavenly Father is a master craftsman.  He is shaping you, helping you to become your best self.  Always be true to that self.  You ideals may not always line up exactly with other peoples'.  Know that is okay.  Heavenly Father wants you to be YOU.  No one else, ever.  He does not want you to like the same things, dislike the same things, or desire the same things.  He needs unique people with unique talents, gifts and perspectives.  He needs people to know themselves, to know Him and to love Him.  To choose to follow the path He lays before you whether it is easy or seemingly impossible.  You are blessed with MANY people who love you and we will do our very best to help you along the way.  Remember that any one person is imperfect, including yourself.  You will make mistakes, we will make mistakes.  Heavenly Father and Jesus, fortunately, know much more than we do.  They may respond to you in ways that you do not expect or appreciate but trust the feelings that they send to you through the Holy Ghost.  Trust your ability to follow where they lead and you will find peace, happiness and fulfillment.

I know that much of this is a little intense for you at eight years old.  I hope that it will help you as you grow.  Your Daddy has blessed you multiple times with the ability to lead and trust yourself and I hope that you will accept those as a part of you.  You ARE a leader, you have already guided our family back to church and I'm sure that you will help MANY people as you grow.  You have a good heart, a good concept of right and wrong, and an amazing faith.  You will know the right thing to do.  Other people may have differing opinions.  Do not bend to them.  Heavenly Father is helping you.  Always do what you feel is right for you in your heart.

I love you so much.  You are exactly the person that I needed in my life and I will never stop thanking Heavenly Father for the opportunity to be your Mom.  Know that at times I may be disappointed but I will always, ALWAYS love you.  I hope that your future is bright and beautiful to match your spirit.

Mommy

For My Little Ones

This is going to be an unusual post.  It seems we are surrounded by friends challenged with health issues, all with children the same ages as mine.  One has breast cancer that has spread everywhere, one potentially starting the process by going in to have a mass biopsied just after fighting off a series of severe infections, and another with an untreatable brain tumor.  When you stop and think about it you develop a very acute sense of your own mortality.  Despite my good health I was up most of the night obsessing about the reality that I could be taken from my family unexpectedly at any moment.  I don't believe that will happen soon but none the less I have a few things I need to share with my children. 

To my babies,

The purpose of this blog is widely varied from the simpler motives like showing you all off and keeping the grandparents and great-grandparents updated and flooded with pictures and stories.  To the more emotionally driven such as giving you pure, undiluted memories to be able to go back to and not just remember through pictures but through words as well.  Occasionally it crosses my mind that it also serves another purpose.  I want a voice should something ever happen to me, I want you to be able to know that the three of you are my world, that I love you and have so much pride in everything you do.  I hope that every post I have written is saturated with my feelings for the three of you, that every word screams of how much a love and treasure you.  Of course, even if I am around, I want you to be able to read it and feel the same. 

Each of you are exactly the person I would want in my family.  There is not another soul in the entire universe you could be traded with that would bring me more joy, that I could possibly love more, than each of you.  Remember that, even if I'm furious or sad.  You each teach me so much and bring me thousands of smiles each day.  Granted there are days you make me so angry I can hardly stand it but those are few and far between.  Taking all the little things you bring to me into account there is one outstanding trait that each of you has brought out and developed in me.  I want to share those with you.  Keep in mind that as I write this Kayda, you are 7, Dillon you are 6 and Carson only 2.  I am sure that you will continue to help me grow, even as you grow, in ever changing ways. 

Kayda:  You, my darling girl, are the most spiritually aware person I have ever met.  You have helped me develop my FAITH.  You are the reason that we started going to church again, and made it to the temple to be sealed as a family.  You wanted to go to church when we literally never went, always having a desire for something more.  Your understanding of Heavenly Father astounds me.  I am sure that other children are spiritual too since your innocence promotes faith but I can almost see you get physically, emotionally and spiritually filled every time we go to church, as if your gas tank was running low.  Of course, you are not only a spiritually being.  You are very stubborn (sometimes infuriatingly so), very independent, responsible, and structured.  You are very eager to help anyone that needs it and can concentrate on even the smallest of tasks for amazing amounts of time.  You learn extremely quickly and never seem to forget anything.  You seem to prefer the company of adults, wanting to spend recess with the recess teachers, or wanting to be with me or your dad instead of other kids.  I see a lot of myself in you, I have seen the worry that comes with being that independent, have felt the acute rejection that you have occasionally felt and I want to shelter you from all of it.  You are perfect.  You are you and don't you ever, ever, forget that you are exactly who you should be.  You don't need to change a thing for anyone else.  EVER. 

Dillon:  My sweet, sweet, boy.  You are such a natural optimist, making friends with about 95% of the people you meet.  When they don't want to play it seems to roll off you like water.  You are always laughing, have an amazing imagination and can play alone for hours or with other children.  You are a little almanac of information.  You love to watch shows about animals, planets, volcanoes etc. and then you will randomly, sometimes months later spout out some of the facts you learned about them.  Your easy laughter, quick smiles, openness to loving people, and constant good spirits have brought me HOPE.  You are eager to make other people happy, don't forget to make you happy too.  You are also very sensitive, you wear your heart on your sleeve and when you are chastised you are crushed.  It breaks my heart when I get mad at you to watch your face fall.  I always end up chasing you up to your room (where you go to hide), holding you and talking to you about what you did wrong and how I still love you no matter what until I can get you to smile again.  I worry that your love of people, eagerness to please and desire to be surrounded by people all the time may get you into bad places.  Always be true to yourself, if it doesn't feel right in your heart then don't do it, no matter what anyone else may say to convince you otherwise.  It won't feel any better later.  You seem to have a pretty well defined version of what is right and wrong, don't let other people confuse it for you.  You are the only person that has to live with yourself. 

Carson:  My little stinker!  Perhaps because you are the first child I got to stay home with, or because of the turbulence of my life when you were tiny, my relationship with you is totally different than anything I experience with Kayda or Dillon. Perhaps because I was working, or because they are naturally more independent they could be happy with anyone, anywhere.  You only ever want me.  When you're hurt no one else can calm you, only me.  When you want to sit and watch TV I'm the only one you want to snuggle with.  You don't like it when I go anywhere without you.  You come back to check that I'm still there when you are playing with friends.  When you wake up in the middle of the night, knowing I'm next to you is the only way you'll go back to sleep.  My name is the first word out of your mouth every morning no matter your mood.  You have shown me an immeasurable amount of LOVE and help me to love myself.  You are still so little that I can't write a lot about the person you will become but I can share the tidbits I see.  You are an entertainer, you love to make people laugh.  You have a lot of the same stubbornness your sister does but seem to share a lot of your brother's optimism.  You are the first of my kids to really talk at a young age.  You know exactly what you want and have no fear of letting everyone know.  I'm sure you are just as brilliant as your brother and sister as I have seen evidence of it in many things you do.  I can see your entertaining tendencies getting you in trouble later, remember there is a time for fun and a time to be serious.  I can't give you a lot of advice about your life because you're still so tiny so I'll just remind you as I did your brother and sister to be yourself, always, never try to be anyone else. 

Since I'm going through and writing this elaborate thing as if I'll be leaving you soon, which I have no intention of doing, I may as well share my testimony with you.  My testimony was a hard fought thing to come by.  I am what I call a natural skeptic.  The idea of God seems too far away at times to accept.  But through time and experience I have learned that He has a hand in everything in our lives.  There is no such thing as coincidences.  Everything happens exactly the way it has to, He is always looking out for you, even when you've turned your back on him, even if it looks like He has forgotten you it will work out somehow.  He loves you, no matter if other people approve of your choices, no matter if He approves of your choice, no matter if you choose to follow a path that He wants you to take.  It was a difficult place for me to get to but I know that He doesn't want a bunch of clones.   He wants each of us to be ourselves, to have our own personalities, individual thoughts, interests, opinions and goals.  If He wanted clones or thoughtless drones He would have chosen Satan's plan.  I know that Jesus experienced not only pain for our sins but the pain of our bodies and hearts, even pain caused to us by other people.  Jesus can truly understand everything you have or will ever go through, you are never alone.  I know that the Lord answers prayers in many different ways, you can find these answers by reading the scriptures or Ensigns, or even the Friend.  I know that prayers can be answered through other people, through quick memories that you had thought lost and through coincidences.  He is listening, He is there and He is doing everything He can to take care of you, let Him.  I know that paying tithing is a hard thing to do but you will be amazed at what happens when you do.  I know that if a thought keeps nagging you and you can't seem to let it go you need to take action on it, no matter your reservations about doing so.  Heavenly Father would not abandon us to rely on old books, tenuously applied to the challenges of modern life.  He has prophets that He calls to guide us, to give us extra information and help us make sense of old rules being applied to an entirely different way of life.  I know that thought prophets are called of God they are also just men, don't judge God for their choices.  Humans are smart, but we are not God-smart.  We have that potential, don't make the mistake of thinking you know better, I promise you don't.  I've learned that it leads to a happier life to believe there is someone greater, that true happiness can not happen if you are not humble and thankful for the many things the Lord has given us.  There is great power in being something "small".  Pray always literally means pray always.  No, don't get down on your knees.  Talk to Him, even the tiniest of thoughts.  Share yourself with Him, talk things out with him, things will make a lot more sense a lot more quickly than if you try to do it on your own.  I know that when we die we have the opportunity to be together for eternity.  I also know that the kingdom you end up in is inconsequential.  We are taught to strive for the celestial kingdom.  That's where the most perks are.  I also know that in the scriptures it specifically says that you will be placed where you will be happy.  Some people may be happier, more comfortable in one of the lower kingdoms and that's okay.  Heavenly Father is not out to get you.  You will be judged, yes, but you will be judged out of love, to determine where you will be most happy to spend you eternity.  Remember always that He is first and foremost our father.  Don't forget that.  You are loved always by Him and by Christ.  He wants you to be you. 

I am sure there are important things that I have forgotten.  Chances are this letter was completely unnecessary but I hope that someday in the future when you look back at it you can know what you all are to me.  There are so many people that love you, let them. 

I love you with all my heart, there was a time when you three were the only reason I got out of bed. 

Mommy